I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
