I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
