My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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