It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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