Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
