im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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