well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
