I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
