He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
