I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
