What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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