Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
