I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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