good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Randomize
