i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
