if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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