I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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