I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
