He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
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you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
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I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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