Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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