I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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