if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Mom said you looked used
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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