So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
third nipple confirmed
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
