Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
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New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
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As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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