First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Randomize
