Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize