Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
