So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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