i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
