I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
