My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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