I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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