i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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