I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
