Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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