If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
