My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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