It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
