fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
