so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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