Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
