Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Randomize
