That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
