she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
