I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?