He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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