Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
