my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
