I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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