Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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