i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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