your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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