he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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