somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
