I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
