When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I would fuck him just for his dog
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
