i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
