Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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